It’s difficult to know what to write when everything has been going so fast. If you asked me in January whether I felt truly happy- I would have lied to your face and said yes.
It’s difficult to understand why I wasn’t happy from an outsiders perspective – but there’s been so many changes in my life, that actually looking back even a few months later has made me realise I was miserable. This was something only my partner, and close family saw- as I continuously moaned about my day to day life, and continiously bogged down by the constant pandemic coverage. What I didn’t say to anyone though was how I felt like a failure, and I felt I was disappointing everyone around me.
To summarise what’s changed since then, I’m in a new job role that I started last month (with progession, prospects, and my colleagues & manager are so helpful/admirable too!), me and my partner are in the middle of becoming home owners, and I’ve actually been sticking with learning Spanish & Dutch on a daily basis for the last 2 months, as I promised myself I would. With that being said, there’s certainly anxiety that comes with all these changes, and trying to stick to schedule. For example my volunteering hours have dropped, and I’ve not been as social as I would like to be.
I’ve always struggled with my mental health, and basically since hormones were a thing (12 years ago!?), it’s manifested itself in pretty much every way where depression/anxiety are concerned- some very unhealthy coping mechanisms as a teenager/young adult, bottling everything up to the point of feeling empty, and isolating myself from my loved ones. I find it amazing how I’ve actually been able to go through all the things I did, but there are times where I feel like my mental health took so many opportunities from me. Sometimes I feel like everything I’ve achieved had to take x10 the effort compared to someone who hasn’t had mental health issues.
However, I realise also that we all have our own paths, and our own struggles that manifest in different ways. Where I’ve struggled with mental health, someone else struggled with poverty, another with a troubled home, another with illness, and another with substance abuse. The list goes on and on, and it’s really a reflection on how life can really be a roll of the dice.
But where I’m at as I’m writing; I’d say I’m okay. Every day when I wake up and reflect on who I was even a few months ago- I feel like a better version of myself. My ultimate motivator is seeing my loved ones happy, but I’m also striving to be the best person I can be for myself and those around me. When I think of me 10 years ago, I didn’t think I was going to be alive, let alone do all the things I only thought were fantasies.
I know my life has been pretty boring the last year due to the pandemic, but with the restrictions beginning to lift, and everyone starting to get their vaccines- I want to get settled into my new home (soon hopefully!), continue to establish myself in my new job role, go on holidays, and just create memories (and not take anything for granted). Yes I’m disappointed that I’m not doing everything I want, but I’ve realised I need to be realistic in how much I can do in a day. I’ve never been the sort of person who can do everything all the time, because sometimes what I need is to be in my own bubble, and do sod all.
For anyone who needs to hear this: Keep going.